Can't afford to be weak now. Can't afford to be pessimistic now. Can't afford to worry about whatever that has not happened.

"I have so much things to say to you, but then it seems that it might be destined to be only said in my dreams. Never knew being just friends is so hard."

Hi there Big Man.

I guess today was supposed to be a good day for myself, but somehow as the hours turn late my mood has been getting more and more irritated and worse.

To tell you the truth all this started because I wanted to leave Insworld.

Not that I hated it there mind you. I like the learning environment there, especially now with all the O-Level ruffians gone for good. I have friends there, and I do have good teachers there too.

However I cannot be blamed of getting"homesick" once in a while, and recently this has been getting worse for me.

I cannot shake the fact that my parents used my university savings to fund my A-Level pursuit here.

The A-level certificate costs even more than my future degree itself!

Seriously!

Even if I were to really believe my parents' repeated assurances that they can resave the money again in the next three years( one year next year and two in the army), I would always feel very bad that all my past experiences have done is to lead them to break the piggy bank in such a spectacular manner.

I can never repay them.

Ever.

Period.

Which is one of the reasons why I want out of Insworld. Because I cannot bear the guilt of the suffering and worries I have brought my parents with such an exorbitant course.

Another reason why I want out, is that I am simply not really used to the international school community. Perhaps I have been in a cocoon of Singaporean-ness for too long, but having classmates who boast loudly about their clubbing at Zirca when they are only barely seventeen, about how they used to smoke cigarettes and weed (some still smoke, but not weed; that's illegal), and most repulsive of all, how they had seventeen female conquests within a year, and even had sex with some of them even, is too much for me to handle. There is only one more Singaporean left other than me, and it seems like the studious kind of student is hard to find in my school now. I don't necessarily like it, but I force myself to bear it. I wish I was back in RV amongst Singaporeans I knew, because culture divides are sometimes extremely unsettling and disturbing for me.

I remember praying a silent prayer to you today hoping that you would allow me a chance to reenter RV next year as a J1. And I remembered thanking you with immense gratitude after you showed me that route to take: doing well in my end-of-term exams and using the results to get back into RV.

However it does not mean my parents share the same sentiments as me.

Especially my mum.

I guess I have badly underestimated how much my mum was hurt during the four years of hell before.

And I thought I was the one with scars left on me to bear.

For my mum, it is ten times worse.

She bridles at every mention of my RV friends in our conversations, incessantly nags at me for trying to find chances to go back and visit my cca, and views with absolute anathema and horror my idealistic views of making a comeback in RV with me reentrance.

But she doesn't know, comprehend or understand my motives behind that hope and that idealism.

I'm just trying to be the best son I can be to my mum while she is still around.

Sorry if that sounded morbid, but trust me, if you can see this, you would have definitely heard the much more horrifying comments my mum made with regards to my future and hers.

Sometimes, ties cannot be just cut when you say so.

Again I remember that during Monday's disciple session with Mickon I mentioned revenge and hatred against many in RV as a major motivation driving me to succeed outside. I remember her rebuking me gently that that was not the right way to do things.

And then I read the book she gave me "How Good Is Good Enough?", and I am struck by the radical thought that perhaps for all my screaming and begging for "an eye for an eye" kind of justice from you to even the score, if you really did that everyone would suffer equally badly, including me, and I would definitely not call that justice or fairness as well!

Then I had to ask myself that question I have always tried to avoid: Would it hurt me to just let things go, forgive all those who hurt me, and just basically live and let live?

And oddly enough, I found that I could do it.

I don't know how, I don't know why. I swear that I have not tried to influence myself to forgive all of them unequivocally, but somehow now when I think back on that question, whatever bloodlust or revenge on my mind is more or less gone. Perhaps gone for good, or merely hidden, waiting for that spark to ignite the burning rage again. But I am more inclined to believe the former, because it is simply so unbelievably changed beyond recognition almost overnight.

So now I have gotten over forgiving those who hurt me in RV, and thus technically I feel that I am ready to reenter RV if given the chance.

But my mum doesn't.

I don't even dare tell her straight in the face the way you showed me to accomplish my wish for fear of angering and upsetting her to the point of absolute madness i.e. nonstop nagging morbid threats and the like.

So now I am stuck with just keeping this a secret from her.

But what if the plan works?

Fine so if the plan fails keeping quiet would only hide it forever from prying eyes.

But if it succeeded, how am I supposed to explain it to my parents?!

Especially my mum?

How would she take it?

Would it be too much?

Am I too selfishly bounded to the past to want to sacrifice my present state to try and relive the past the way it should have been?

Is it just delusion, or is it really all just a part of your plan for me?

I guess this is really making me messed up in my mind.

And yet again I take comfort that I am willing to forgive past grievances and move on because I now know rightly that I walk in your light, and that you will never allow anyone to hurt me and hurt you in the process as well.

Otherwise I could not have decided to forgive almost overnight.

It's totally surreal.

I make this post to you partly as thanks, and partly to ask for more guidance and help from you.

Just as this year was a watershed for me to return to You, I believe it would soon be the same for my mum and my dad.

But only this time you have got to work in them. I really cannot help. Because after all, you are supposed to be superhuman, while I am only mortal.

So save my parents, especially my mum, and turn her heart and mind around the same way you did for me.

Allow my mum to accept my wish to return to RV.

Bless me with good grades in my upcoming exams and a smooth application to return next year.

Keep those with foul and evil intents away from me and my family if your plan succeeds.

And give me my happiness and contentment I should have had for four years of my life.

Because after all, I think I deserve a second chance to start over.

Because after all the trials and tribulations my family has gone through, I believe it is time for some good news.

Your good news.

Thanks for listening. It really helps me to know that someone is seeing this and perhaps working on my wishes or if they are human, praying for me and my family.

Now I think I know what kindness and love can really be.

Amen.

Hello Big Man:

Today was a good sunday for quite a long time. Finished all my work, gotten some good rest, and went out with my parents.

Don't really have anything much to say today, just bless my week ahead to be smooth sailing, and as usual, look over my family and me.

In your honourable name, amen.

Dear Big Man:

It's my first time documenting my prayers down here on this blog, so I do hope you'll forgive me if some stuff here is inappropriate. It feels good to be able to document down my thoughts with some level of coherency, and I thank you for that.

It's been a tumultuous journey for me in coming back to you. So many things have happened. So many things are still happening now. And sometimes I can really feel lost, and many a time I find myself in conflict with myself over certain issues close to heart, knowing that the rational side of me wants to see things through you, and my emotional irrational side wants me to see things my way only.

One of the latest issue is about me asking Yiling to the Christmas bash. Back last week I called her up on an impulse to try and invite her to go, and to my surprise you made it a success. I could have been immensely grateful for that, but several things afterwards made me doubt my wiseness in pursuing such a chain of events to happen. I just found out that she has a church of her own already, and then when I obliquely mentioned that to some of my friends one of them poured cold water down on me pretty hard, as if I should never have done that or that she disapproved of that. Then when I told Yiling that I would confirm the timing with her as soon as possible today, she did a 180- turn and said she might not be able to make it after all. Her reason was that she might be hanging out with her family, but I have to wonder if that is really the truth, or is it only but a convenient truth to cover up a much uglier truth that she does not want me to know? And now come to think of it, I find myself wondering my purpose to invite her to the bash: is it really because I want to introduce her to my friends and help her in her rediscovery of you, or is it for a more selfish reason of me wanting to spend time with her after leaving RV for a year now? I always had this low self-confidence when it comes to girls, because I always thought that I was jinxed when it came to such rite-of-passage things like relationships. Come to think of it, perhaps it is only me having feelings for Yiling, and that she simply is not prepared to reciprocate it or even wants to accept it, only that she is too nice a person to tell it to me. I know she has many friends who disapprove of me simply because I have a bad reputation for having a bad temper, irrationality, combative, opinionated, or generally a scary person to be avoided by everyone. But I wish for her and everyone to know that under everything I am no different than anybody else. I just crave for someone to love and receive love from, and I don't mean from parents or siblings. I always felt that I had something to prove to myself and others, that I could compete with them in anything and do well in my life, get good results, have friends, get a girl, and basically things that define a successful all-rounded teenager. But it seems like nobody can really understand that. I don't know if I should press on and try to invite her to the bash, because although I feel immensely guilty that i might have personal selfish reasons to invite her, I don't know if it is wrong for me to ask for a little love from humans and be able to show love to them in a way different from how we do it for our parents and normal friends. I feel guilty also of potentially putting pressure on Yiling by the simple fact that she knows I like her more than just a friend, and yet she does not or cannot reciprocate it and can only put up with my "heavy crush/love" until it goes away a long time later, if it will ever go away at all. I know my reputation, and although I wish I could be closer with her, I always have to fear bringing ridicule and unkind comments to her by simply associating with her. It's a self-confidence thing I guess.

I want to also pray and ask for advice from you with regards to my family. As you know, my family does not really believe in religion. My mother does not want to immerse herself in religious things and applies that to me as well. My dad believes in karma i.e. "you reap what you sow". Perhaps its because he grew up by his own effort alone and brought up my mum and I with his honest efforts and prudent savings. I have to thank my parents for providing me with the childhood that many people would see as pampered and perfect, to the point that some people can be insensitive enough to label me as a spoilt kid. I have only recently decided to take the plunge and return to you after my long journey in the world on my own, and I am afraid of bringing this up with my parents, as I know they will definitely not take it nicely at all. However last year my mum got diagnosed with first stage B.C., and is now in her second year of remission. I can sense that she needs something to help her in life more than just stark reality. Its heartbreaking for me to hear her tell me that "My only wish now is to see you wear the square mortarboard when you graduate from university before I die sooner or later", especially when it has been a particularly chaotic year for me in terms of my studies. Last week she asked me about the church Christmas bash, and even said that she might want to drop by and look. I don't know if it is you acting on her, but if it really is you, I really pray hope you give me courage to be able to tell my parents my choice to follow you once again, as well as give my mother hope that she can survive for another twenty years at least, to see me graduate, and in the process get to know you as being more than a religion to believe blindly in, and ultimately join you in the kingdom of heaven that is so vaunted about by us mortals. And of course, please bless my father with good health, good business, steady savings, a healthy old age (he's getting old recently, I can tell), and give him spiritual support to help him continue to be the pillar in my family at least until I am old enough to take over and allow him to take the rest he so deserves for his whole life.

I still have a million questions to ask you. i admit I don't see myself believing every word you say in the Bible ( I still think whoever wrote them in the Vatican could have potentially corrupted them for their own benefits), I don't believe you created me and everything in the universe, and I certainly don't believe in your supposed-justice for people who have wronged me and should be made to pay dearly. But I can thank you for the grace you showed me for my seventeen years of my life thus far, to let me try to forge my way in the world without your help, and still have the grace to accept a wayward son of yours home and give him hope in life once more. You might not have created me physically, but I believe you created my soul and spirit. And I thank you for that.

I pray for my fellow churchmates: Mickon, for being the ever-suffering cell group leader who had to endure a year of prayers to see my return to your path; Ruth, for showing me what real friendship is, and standing by me through thick and thin; all my fellow cell group mates who have also suffered long at my unending tirades and arguments against your word and beliefs, and for Pastor Daniel, who had to go through double deaths last week. There is one particular favour I ask of you to grant with regards to church. It's the issue of Ian. I guess you might already have known the whole series of incidents between me and him last time. I still don't really like him, but I hope you can resolve the differences I have between him and me. You gave me a second chance. I hope you give me courage and understanding to give him a second chance too.

In your holy name, I thank you for listening to my thoughts, trouble and wishes.

AM.

It's been quite a while to say the least.
Have a thousand things on my mind to say. Just that somehow I cannot seem to organise them in a coherent manner.

"I always believed silence is not a period of awkwardness, but a period of peace."

"It only occurs when you're with a person that you are really close and comfortable with though. somehow you try to force a topic out of your mouth when its someone not that close so that time passes more quickly and the person will have to leave soon or something. Silence is my personal measurement of whether a person is really close to me."

When I saw that comment on one of my friend's Facebook comments on her sister's status, my heart fell pretty badly.
Would that mean that because I sms you almost every night to ask you how was your day, or ask if you had a lot of work to do, means that I really actually don't have anything in common to speak to you about and thus I am considered not close to you? Even if I did all that because I actually cared about you?

I really don't know.
I try my best not to be discouraged or angry that you said that, even if it was not meant to hurt me.
I know I may not be in RV now, but then I won't let where I am from you in real life affect anything that might happen in the future.

I remember having a convo with you recently on FB Chat.
You said that because you didn't show your true side to anyone (or the bad side whatever it is) you felt that nobody except maybe your sister or family people will truly understand you and thus no guy will "know you more than you know yourself" and thus you are not ready for a relationship.
Fair enough.
But then you say that you do that (hide most of your true character) just so to let people have a good impression of you and then you have friends.
When I heard that, I actually felt very bad for you.
I mean no matter how bad your bad side is in reality, do you really have to go to the point of concealing your bad side from others just so because you care about what they think of you?
Life isn't about living for others' views and opinions about you, and frankly I feel that in today's world such opinions are way overrated in their importance in our lives.
I don't care how bad your bad side is, even if you say that "since you never saw it before you can say that very easily".
We love people for who they are in reality, not some mask that they present because they care about their "face value" or something.
Sorry I don't mean to be harsh about this to you, but really because I care, that's why I don't want you to really be what you told me, someone "who hides 65 percent of herself from others because she thinks its bad for her image in others' eyes".
Seriously, if your friends were true friends they would not be your friends just because they don't like your bad side! If that were the case then given my case why do I still have friends like you, Zhiliang, LeeHui and some other people in RV still?

And if you think that because you don't allow others to really see the true person you are that's why you cannot accept anyone special in your life right now, I can safely tell you that one day you will meet that person that will get you to open up your life to.
If somebody is willing to actually decide that you are the person that he wants to share his life with, surely it should be easy on your part to even open up a little bit as well?

Life is more than just living for others. It's about living for yourself and being who you truly are, and not necessarily letting others shackle your true character to their definition of how their friend should be. Because such people are not worthy to be your friends if they don't accept you for who you are.

And if there is any guy that can get you to open up your life and character, if there is any guy who can be the person you can rely on in the present and in the future...

I take it upon myself to be that guy to you. I promise.



Sorry am pretty screwed up these few days.
But then I cannot afford to keep all this thoughts bottled up in me, and if I put all this up on Facebook I will unleash a hell of a ruckus that will get both me and the person I am talking about in trouble.
And if you happen to read this post, I'm very sorry if I was overly blunt in my writings.
That's one of my weak points.
But I don't conceal that bluntness because others think it is unsuitable or something.

Because sometimes we need that bluntness from others to make us really think and change.
And really, you deserve better, and you can be better.

Will visit back at school when I have the chance.
Don't forget me till then.

Just a short post to keep this place updated some.

saw you at JP interchange ysterday.
Glad to see that you are doing well in JJC.
Seems like you have a lot more friends and talk much more.
Which is a good thing.

I don't regret falling in love with you four years back.
But then again, I don't regret letting you go last year.
Because we both have our lives to lead,
and I have found someone better.

May you share the same fate too.

I have everything I need to accomplish what I know I need to do.

But I just do not have the courage to take that shot in the dark and stake everything on this one last gamble.

So much for someone who thought he never knew fear before.