Screw my results.
seriously.

I'm like hanging by my skin now for my term 1 report card.
And I'm fully expecting a gpa below 2.0
Though my LA Chinese and History can hopefully save a bit of me.
dammit.
dammit.

I'm gonna cut back on my computer usage after March hols.
For real.
My time is almost up, and yet I'm still mucking around.

dammit.
Screw school.

It's funny and intriguing how Fate can bring two people together in the most unexpected way possible.
It's even more intriguing when you had wanted to see her and thought that you never could.

Well that's what happened.
I thought that school would release at 2, so I could go to CSS as they were released at 3pm.
Until I realised that I had chem remedial.

seriously, I was swearing like hell then.
"Shitshitshit now I can only go at 4pm and that's like 1 hour behind them! WHAT THE HELL?!?!"

But then, a curious intriguing twist of fate.

We managed to go off at 4 on time. For once haha.
I took 963 to Clementi.
Then MRT to Boon Lay.
When I reached Boon Lay Interchange, I saw Bus 30 pulling in.
Then my primary school classmate Valerie got out.
She saw me, and said Ohmygawd.

"Why? Shocked that I'm here?"
"Why are you here in the first place?" Apparently she didn't know anything.
"Chem remedial. Why the fuss?"

"Because she is on the bus! See? She's coming down!"

I honestly went stunned. Speechless with surprise and delight.
"Good luck ah haha!" Valerie laughed.

And this is how I finally met with En Chyee again in a long time.

My oh my, I am so happy today.

Thank God I was delayed by Chem tuition.
Turns out that she was delayed too. By Bio remedial.
haha.

Who says Fate can't pull two people together?

I'm happy. Very happy.
haha you all don't know her anyway.
But well...
Let's just say that...it's a secret.

;)

Tuesday.
CCA day.

Another rainy day.
Funny how I like walking in the rain.

Got funny stares from the NCC Part Cs and Ci Xing & CO. when they were in front of UG room doing some god-knows-what drill.

I wonder what's so funny about me everytime.
Seems like a lot of people know me.
Particularly in NCC.

*rolls eyes heavenwards*.

Stupid chem tuition tomorrow.
DAMMIT.
Now I can't go to Commonwealth after school to go home with her.
Screw it.

Long time never really properly posted already.
Haha just so you know, most of my posts are impromptu ones that I didn't like really plan for them beforehand...
And it's a miracle that even so I can still keep my eloquent flowy writing in my posts.
haha.

Maths' quite screwed up I think.
LA, quite good. At least I'm getting my standard back this year and starting to turn out top-quality essays finally.
History? Everything I already knew, so lessons are just revision for me to refresh my memory.
Chinese? Dunno yet.
Chem? Quite ok.
Physics? So-so.

-.-

sigh...

My studies sucks...

But hopefully I won't be so bad in my studies this year, and well things look like they are lightening up for me these few days.

Here's a kickass video to end off.

In the end of all Things.

Got released early from school cca today.

haha.

And kind souls, please leave a comment if you come by here. Any comment will suffice. Thanks, since I feel this blog is a bit too cold...

It all ends here.

Tuesday was a day of upheaval and change.
And for once, I was happy again.

Perhaps Fate only wanted us to pass each other as innocent friends,
but I can never win your heart.
I'm glad that you have found the guy that you love,
and I wish you both good luck in the future.

Felt my heart lighten up a lot after speaking to Clement.
No I didn't want to fight him anyway.
Just wanted to bring closure to the issue at hand and clear up some of my thoughts.

All's over now.
I'm glad, she's glad, he's glad.

Perhaps someday I will see both your names,
joined in holy matrimony.

Cold Mountain.

Something big's bugging me now.
Something not-so-well-best-not-be-said.

But how the hell can you do that?
Keep such a bomb quietly, and hoping that having it as a low profile would save you from embarrassment?
And in the process, wounding me?!

And now when I want to get angry, I can't.
Why?
Simply becaus the person I want to be angry at is the person whom I have the greatest "tolerance" level of respect.
And also because I'm a gentleman.

WTH!

The cold rain. The cold wind. But worst of all, the cold and broken heart she gave to me today.

Valentines' Day

A quiet day for me...

Been kinda slipping into long lapses of memory flashbacks recently, and also caught myself daydreaming a lot recently too...
Sometimes during lessons, sometimes in the quiet mornings when I stand outside class a the corridor facing the canteen (yes I know that some of you think I'm odd), and yet sometimes at home as well...

Most of the time I would be like listening to music and thinking. Music that was sad and soft and slow and yet still very poignant to me...

And I would think of events in the past and the future.
Like how I was always a loner sticking out in class.
Like how much trauma I had in my primary school days when I was bullied day in day out.
Like how conflicting my heart and head actually are.

And then how my life has been since I entered RV.
How I came in, and almost chose to go out to Commonwealth.
And how my grades ain't that stellar even though I try my best.
as well as how I still face trouble having friends.

A lot of things.

Sometimes I would also kinda make up what I want a scene in my future to look like.
Like me getting my first and second class honours in university.
Or perhaps me flying above my home in an F-16 during my NS.
And a lot of times, me being surrounded by friends who care for you and are willling to accept you.

Sometimes I also dream about how I want my wedding to be like.
Maybe on the stern deck of a luxury cruise liner, facing out into a stunning sunset.
Under a clear night sky filled with stars.
Walking down an aisle covered in white carnation petals.
Me wearing a white tuxedo and carrying a boquet of crimson roses for my bride.
And my new wife wearing a white evening halterneck gown studded with Swarovski crystals.
And then dancing under the stars... blissfully in love.

Maybe I'll have three kids, 2 guys one girl.
Doesn't matter what order they are born in.
Then perhaps when I retire, I'll take my wife for a cruise around the world.
especially Alaska, which I see as the most beautiful wild landscape ever seen by man.

And what is my impression of my wife?
I really can't put a word or description to this question.
She should be outgoing, sociable, well good-looking of course ( but looks don't determine everything), caring, a good companion to me, supportive... and most of all a soulmate that I can trust my feelings to.

I guess saying more will surely set tongues wagging.
sigh...

And everytime when I daydream about all these, I will surely feel a bit sad.
Sure I may not cry, but well my eyes are surely wet as hell.

I like it in the mornings at school when I can wrap my jacket round me and stand at the "balcony" of the corridor of the container classroom and look out across the track and canteen.
Listening to quiet music, without my glasses on.
Tranquil for me to at least be able to enjoy a moment of solitude.

Life is hard.
Friends are harder to find.
And a true friend and soulmate?
Almost impossible.

Perhaps I am too emo and depressed at times.
And yet again, perhaps not.

I wish to be friends with you all in class, but somehow I don't have the guts to come up to you people and talk.
I don't know why.
I used to be do this with ease.
Now, I find myself getting more and more quiet, closing my feelings in and locking them up, for fear that others can see them.
But I cannot be like this forever.
can I?

I wanted to go out with some of you today on Valentines' day, and apparently I wouldn't be able to, partly bacause I cannot due to my parents, and partly because... I simply forgot how to have friends anymore.

The world ain't all black or white.
Shades of grey exist.
But then, why can't I see them?

I'm lapsing into emo-ness again.

But well, perhaps I still have my future to live for.
And perhaps if I really try,
my daydreams will turn into reality.
Someday.
Someday.

But for how long?

Sarang Hei Yo... sigh.

Valentines' Day.
Another year when I feel damn empty emo sad wanna cry resigned...

It's painful and heart-wrenching when you still love someone truly, yet you can't approach her because of your past with her... and even worse when you don't want to admit it and act macho...
Yet I promised my childhood crush sweetheart special friend that I will wait for her... no matter how long it takes...
Feels bad not to be able to see her and be with her...
feels even worse when you realise that you've fallen in love with two girls... and yet suprisingly lack the guts to admit it to your classmate... who apparently is involved.

Everytime the guys joke about what "Clement loves Shereen, Ci Xing loves Shereen, Alan loves Shereen, Shaowei wants to jio her" that kind of crap, I always put up a calefare face...
But seriously, do you know how bad and sad and angry and idiotic I always feel?
I never wanted to admit in her face and everyone else that I still love her...
But seriously, do you all know how hard it is for me to keep silent about all this?
I see her everyday.
I tell her that we are just friends, nothing more nothing less...
and then I lied... about my true thoughts.
I know this ain't a private blog anymore...
but I REALLY WANT TO LET THIS ALL OUT.
I DON'T WANNA DECIEVE MYSELF AND DELUDE MYSELF TO MY FEELINGS...
AND I DON'T WANT TO CHEAT HER...
AS WELL AS MY CHILDHOOD SPECIAL FRIEND.

I have a lot of things bottled up in me...
that I don't wanna admit...
but then...
can I continue to fake myself from the truth that I'm just a little too not over her?

I really don't know.
And yet, I really don't know how to face her and tell her...

And now valentines' day is tomorrow...
which leaves me even lonelier and sad and angry at myself and emo...

But who is to listen?
God knows...

Ok enough emo-ing here...
else I would daresay another scandal will start again...
But yeah... I got a thousand questions and secrets, yet I have no answers for them.

Ironic eh? How life and love ain't the blissful existence everyone believes them to be...

sigh...

got some sad love songs that I like to listen to here.
Found them on youtube.

"Life's just a collection of lies. It's just that we conceal our lies better than the others, that's all."

"There's nothing fair about who lives and who dies. You gave her a chance. You gave everyone a chance."

"Have regrets, have revenge."

"In order to overcome fear, you must become fear, you must bask in the fear of other men and men fear most what they cannot see."

"You may hear me whisper in your ear, but you never saw me."


just some quotes I found meaningful after all these time.

sigh.

FongChuan says that I am too personal on my blog, but well, I'm not considered personal already... whatever I said ain't personal mate... so don't get me wrong...

Haven't blogged a lot these few times...

valentines Day is here.
And as usual I'm puzzling over what to buy and for whom...
zzz...

Sunday.
rest day for me to recharge my energy levels...
tiring week...

I'm thinking of making this blog open, as in I will move my open blog here... as for the old posts on this blog, I'll leave them here... anyway whatever that has been written is last year's stuff... so anyway now if anyone sees them makes no difference anyway...

so well... I will make this blog open.
Maybe like what Shereen said "private blogs are a waste of time".
Perhaps.
And then, maybe not.
depends on the circumstances.
and now, it is a waste of time...

so officially from today onwards, THIS BLOG IS OPEN.

haha.



" It's not about how much we love each other when we are together. It's about how much we miss each other when we are away from each other."

Found a cool song here...
It's by Simple Plan, and it's called Save You...
Love the lyrics and the song itself...

Save You(Simple Plan)

Take a breathI pull myself together
Just another step until I reach the door
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you
I wish that I could tell you something
To take it all away
Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I won't give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
When I hear your voice
It's drowning into whispers
It's just skin and bones
There's nothing left to take
No matter what I do I can't make you feel better
If only I could find the answer
To help me understand
Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall
Oh you know I'll be there for you(Ahahaha)
If only I could find the answer
To take it all away
Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know(Oooh)
I wish I could save youI want you to know(Ohohh)
I wish I could save you (ohh)

Very nice song...