I have everything I need to accomplish what I know I need to do.

But I just do not have the courage to take that shot in the dark and stake everything on this one last gamble.

So much for someone who thought he never knew fear before.

Had a really bad day somehow.
Migraine is killing me.
No thanks to the weather turning hot and cold at the same time.
Plus all the variations in my future that I somehow can never successfully control.

Now I wish I never grew up to the age where I had to make my own decisions.
Its so much easier to allow someone who supposedly is all-knowing to decide your future and fate.
At least if something screws up, you have someone else to blame.

But now?
I make the decisions.
And for the first time I feel so drained from considering all my options.

Got screwed by Ms Ek very badly before she left RV abruptly.
Thought I sorted things out when I left for MDIS.
Then got screwed (ok nearly got screwed) and screwed people back a few weeks ago.
And now I am out in the wind to dry again.

I always get the feeling that I am left behind by my peers my age.
Like when you all graduate with A Levels, I might still be studying for God knows what.
Then what happens? I get looked down upon as a failure.
And I really hate entertaining that thought.

Just realised that amongst all the 3/4H photos taken, I appear in at most one or two of them.
Most of the time I am missing.
Would that prove that my last two years were a total waste?
Is that supposed to be a good thing or a bad thing?

I know a lot of people supposedly care and feel concerned for me as a former classmate or friend.
But most of them are from 1/2K eras.
And as much as I am grateful to those people, I still feel regret and pain regarding my 3/4H class.

"Leaders, regardless of how bad they are, are God-appointed, so no matter what they will always be leaders, and no matter what you have to respect them and not challenge them."
That was what my pastor said.
So would that mean that Yuhao was God-appointed?
And does that mean I am destined only to listen to others and not be the one on top?

Above all, does that mean that those two years of my challenge was utterly wasted?

Whatever happened, I chose to let bygones be bygones. Not necessarily because I truthfully felt that I wanted to let things go, but because I knew I had no choice but to do so.
And now I finally realise that nothing I do now will ever make you people in 4H forgive me and accept me as your own anymore.
At least not the acceptance of those who really matter.

Something in me makes me feel wistful about all of you, even after how I hated all of you in 4H last year.
Like how all your lives are still so successful in RV, while I take a different winding path that is so hard to walk.
But nothing can turn back time and allow you all to forgive me now.
Isn't it?

Feel so lost now.
And who is to give me that advice that I so badly need now?

The world will never be enough, but then its the best place to start for you and me.

Missing you as always I do.
Don't know how are you doing in JJC now.
Seems like we two lost contact entirely.
Perhaps for the better I guess.

But still it hurts.
Especially the one question that always burned in my mind:

"If we were in the same school during secondary times, could things have turned out differently?"

Guess there isn't any answer that I will ever find.

Hindsight and Regret are partners in crime.

Haven't been blogging in quite a while.
School's ok actually for me.
I'm just surprised by the sheer rampancy of cheating in tests and how almost anyone and everyone can get away with it.
Including like at least ten people in my class.

And I'm the class chairperson, yet i keep my mouth shut and didn't give them in to the teachers and lecturers.
Sigh.
And I think I'm incorruptible?

In the words of one of them who happens to be my friend as well (ok not close friend but well on talking terms clearly) ,

"Its better to cheat and get 80 marks rather than mug hard and yet get a 50 or 60 marks. After all, who never cheated before in their life?"

"CHEATING IS THE SMART WAY TO GET SMART."

Am I supposed to believe that?
All the years I've been in elite schools and relatively sheltered from seeing the world and the people in it.
So is it a surprise that I am taken extremely by surprise and shock by this state of mentality?

And ironically, now somehow I miss RV even more.
Yeah dude, you aren't hearing the wrong thing. I haven't gone mad.
After 4 years of ranting about hating RV and getting trashed in school by bullies and hypocrites, I leave by a choice of fate and now barely 4 months and I'm getting school-sick, if there was ever such a term.
Wish I could come back.
Even after all that I've gone through.
Because now I finally realise that whatever I went through in here was nothing compared to the world outside.

Funny how it takes someone to lose something before learning to appreciate and cherish it.
Same for me and RV.

Given the chance, I would love to come back and be with all of you.
I won't be a little kid anymore and act like a brat all the time.
I won't take offence to every little joke or sarcasm directed at me.
I'll learn to accept my mistakes and work truthfully on them to change myself for my own good rather than for suiting others around me like I always thought.
I'll laugh off all the insults said my way by the same hypocrites that I hated the most.
I'll learn to forgive the person who hurt me the most during my last days in RV and let old secrets lie.

Because now I finally know,
People do this because they care about you and respect your existence.
And the same applies to them as well.

But when?
Oh when will I get the chance to come back to this sweet blessed school again?