The World At Night

"True love isn't all about expecting the other party to give you her love fully and unconditionally all the time.
It's about you expecting yourself to love the other party fully and unconditionally, regardless of whatever may happen."

"The person who is the roughest on the surface is more often than not the most soft and sentimental deep inside. He is just so rough on the surface because he takes everything the world gives him and never makes a sound."

"So long as you are happy, I can always force myself to forget about you, swallow my tears and smile for you. Because I owe you too much as a friend. And you're a special friend at that. I wish you would give me more chances to atone my sins against you in the past for hurting you so much, but would you be willing to give me those chances? I don't mind being sad and heartbroken, so long as you are happy and content with yout other person in your life."

" I guess that everyone has a secret corner in their hearts, and that only the people they cherish the most can see it."

"Forgive her. Forgive yourself."

I don't wanna miss a thing.

"Loving someone is not as hard as missing the person you love."

How true it is.

I've been crying this past few nights.
Past visions and faces have flooded into my subconscious mind, old friends' faces floating past me, all smiling at me, all looking at me.

I miss you all.
really.

Like how we would always run down for recess and get to be the first in the queue.
Like how we would mindlessly talk about which singer we listen to.
Joking about each other.

I miss those days.
I miss you more.

Really.

For you, a thousand times over.
For you, a thousand times over.
For you specially, a thousand times I'll write your name and whisper it every night in my dreams.

1. What disappoints you the most?
Having so many things to do and say, and yet not being to find a true friend to share the joys with.

2. Where will you go if someone sponsors you a tour ticket?
EEE... yer... actually I got three places... nono make that four... Russia (and I'm anti communist, what an irony), New Zealand, New York(TIMES SQUARE!!! :DDDDDDDDDD) and Korea.

3. What’s the most romantic thing you would like to do with the one you love?
Sail out to sea on my own cruise yacht, or just simply sitting at home on a rainy day cuddled up in each others' lap.

4. Do you think money can buy happiness?
If you're a moneypenny, yes. But for me... half yes half no.

5. If you can have one dream to come true, what would it be?
That I can reverse time and cherish the people I love more.

6. Do you believe you can survive without money?
Obviously and sadly, no.

7. What are you afraid to lose the most?
Family, friends (if I have any), and most of all, the persons I love.

8. If you win $1 million, what would you do?
Save it for university. YEAH I KNOW THAT'S SO TEXTBOOK.

9. What do you dream of doing in the future?
I've got a lot of dreams. Maybe I'll become a pilot in the air force or SIA, or work in the Foreign Affairs Ministry as a diplomat, or a captain of a cruise liner or oil tanker sailing the seven seas as a free soul. Anything that's high-paying and exciting. Or maybe even a history teacher in MOE ( HAHA I'd love to see myself back in RV teaching history alongsides Mr Desmond Lim) . Then maybe woo the girl I've always held a light to for 4 years already, marry her, then settle down in a seaside terrace house. I'd love to have two kids, one boy one girl. And if I can, I want to spend more time with my family and my parents.

10. Do you know who is super junior?
????????

11. What makes you happy?
To see the people I cherish and love, to spend a whole afternoon quietly reading at the library, going to some posh restaurant to have dinner, standing on the balcony on a clear sharlit night watching the heavens, listening to sad love songs and reminiscing past events and people whom I still think about every day. Hanging out with close friends who know me and trust me, knowing that I have some positive impact on others in school or around me, having confidence in my own potential...
Basically it's the small things in life that are the most precious.

12. What type of person do you hate the most?
Hypocrites, mavericks who are just plain dumb smart-alecks, backstabbers, clique kings and queens.

13. Where do you see yourself 10 years down the road?
Out of uni, happily married. :)

14. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
My soulmate, my family.

15. Do you believe in Life after Death?
I'm an atheist.

16. Missing question.

17. Which cartoon character you like most?
TOM AND JERRY!!!
18. Are you courageous enough to go and tell the person that you like him/her?
If I see the right opportunity, and she is a good friend of mine, yes.

19. Who do you always bully?
Erms... I'm the one getting bullied...

20. If you could have a superpower,what would it be?
Be a guardian angel to the people that I love and care about.

"You are my nobody, that's why I don't treat you like a friend."
"You're only an acquaintance."

Perhaps that was really what you truly felt.
Just that you didn't admit it.

I thought that I could trust some people to be my friend or confidant.
Sometimes I am right.
Sometimes I am wrong.
But more often that not, I find it hard to distinguish between right and wrong choices.

You are one of them.

You know how much I envy you in class?
How much I want to just pluck up the courage and go to you and your friends and join in, just to reassure myself that I'm still in this class?
I've got a million things I could say to a friend who could listen.
And yet I find it so hard to find one.

You were one person I wanted to find a confidant in.
Sometimes you were one.
And yet sometimes, you and I act more like we never knew each other.
Is it because of past events?
Is it just me?
Or you?

I'm really sorry if I have been too cold and detached from the world.
And I feel really bad to treat you like a common person whom I do not know.
But then, what holds me back isn't you, but my fear of your friends.
How they would roll their eyes to me, make cold snideful inside remarks and even stage mass walkouts on me.
I can't change their stereotypical mindset towards me.
But how am I to know if you haven't become them too?
With every day that passes, I get the feeling that you are drifting away from me more and more, and that you want it that way.

No wonder you said that I'm a nobody to you.

But I tried my best in all that I did.
I just need some reassurance.
That I'm on the right path.
That I just need to hold on longer.
that I will always have friends to rely on.

And above all, I wish that those words will come from someone in my class.
Someone whom I know I can trust.
Are you the one?
I really wish so.

"What hurts the most, is being so close
and having so much to say, yet watching you walk away."

-S

In case you people are dumb enough not to know, my msn message last night was meant for you to know.
IT WASN'T AN ACCIDENT.
PERIOD.
AT LEAST I MAKE IT VERY CLEAR.
AND NOT DEAL IN SOME BACKHAND POLITICS IN CLASS THE WAY YOU ALL DO.

And thanks, Sonjia.
It's Norine not Noreen.

My fault for that error.

And if you all are not happy with what I write, I HEREBY WELCOME YOU TO LODGE A MASS REPORT TO THE TEACHERS. IN FACT, I'M EXPECTING IT. SO DON'T DISAPPOINT ME.

Am a bit emo and angry and sad today.
And tired too.

Went to Semakau today.
Trip was fine overall.
Enjoyed it.
Wore my sunglasses.

But seriously, I really don't know why, but I always seem to get ostracised by the class for no goddamn reason.
When I was in the bus and sat behind, everyone ran to the front.
When I sat in front, everyone ran behind.
When I was on the boat, nobody wanted to sit with me when I sat near the window, and Claudia had to be half-coerced to sit beside me as a buffer.
Everyone tries to avoid me all the time.
When we returned on the boat, everyone didn't want to sit on the bench I was occupying even though they all knew there weren't enough seats.
Only Alfreda was kind-hearted enough to tell you people off for ostracising me and offered to sit beside me.

Seriously, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!?!
I am not loud anymore.
I keep silent most of the time.
I listen more than I speak.
My temper rarely flares up.
I never do anything to provoke you people.
BUT WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL OSTRACISING ME?!?
HELL MAN WE ARE STILL A CLASS. AS MUCH A LONER I AM, I STILL WANT A PART IN THIS CLASS.
BUT I DON'T GET IT. PERIOD.
RECESS, EVERYONE SHUNS ME.
ON THE BUS, EVERYONE SHUNS ME AND GRUMBLES WHEN I TAKE THEIR PERCEIVED "BEST SEATS".
SAME ON THE BOAT.
SAME EVERYWHERE!

Hell man what must I do to make you all stop trying to push me away from the class like I'm a nobody?
I know many people in class hold a very negative stereotype of me.
Jolene, Valerie, Shirleen, Muxin, Frederick,Yuhao ,Noreen , Ziqi , Ximeng.
And the rest of you in class?
YOU ALL ONLY KNOW HOW TO FOLLOW YOUR FRIENDS ON TURNING YOUR BACKS TO ME.
EVEN WHEN I NEVER MEANT ANY HARM TO ANYBODY IN CLASS.

I find it hard for someone to stop wearing coloured glasses to look at me and start treating me like a normal human being who needs friends and not enemies.
It took a lot of courage for Alfreda to stand up for me today.
I admire her for that.
And what's the really ironic part?
I THOUGHT SHE WOULD BE THE LAST PERSON TO RESPOND IN SUCH A WAY, THAT SOME OF YOU IN CLASS WERE MORE EMPATHIC FIRST.
BUT WHAT DO I SEE?
ALL OF YOU ARE WEAK-BACKBONED IN YOUR EMPATHY AND ONLY KNOW THE EASY WAY TO STEREOTYPE PEOPLE!!!

HELL I ADMIT I STILL HAVE A FEW SCORES TO SETTLE WITH SOME PEOPLE.
BUT I DON'T LET THEM CLOUD MY VIEWS AND IMPRESSIONS OF ANY OF YOU!
HELL ONE THING IS ONE THING.
I DO NOT MIX PAST EVENTS UP WITH PRESENT EVENTS!

AND THE PEOPLE WHOM I THOUGHT I COULD RELY ON AS FRIENDS?
WHERE WERE ALL OF YOU WHEN I NEEDED YOU?
NONE OF YOU STOOD UP FOR ME!
IT TOOK SOMEONE FROM ANOTHER CLASS TO STAND UP FOR ME!!
IS THIS HOW YOU TREAT A FELLOW CLASSMATE!?!?!?

I DON'T WANT TO SAY OUT WHO I THOUGHT WERE MY FRIENDS, BECAUSE THIS WOULD BACKLASH ON EVERYBODY.
BUT YOU ALL KNOW IT.
YOU KNOW IT.
YOU KNOW THAT IT IS YOU THAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.
YOU WHOM I SMSED WHEN MY MUM WAS IN HOSPITAL LAST MONTH.
YOU THREE.
BUT DID YOU ALL DO ANYTHING WHEN YOU SAW SUCH IN-YOUR-FACE STEREOTYPING?
NO!!


Hell I must get this off my chest.
And I got nobody to tell this to at all.
NOBODY!
DO I DESERVE THIS ISOLATION OR WHAT?!?!
MUST YOU ALL BE SO COLD TO ME?!?!?!?
IS A LITTLE ACCEPTANCE TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR FROM PEOPLE LIKE YOU ALL?!!??

I only want to be in the class as a part of all of the class.
To have people whom I can trust without having to go through the same old ordeal of problems and then you people standing out to console me and then melting away into the shadows.
I am not the loner I am made out to be.
Neither am I so strong in my will anymore.

I just need friends.
I just need support.
Is that too difficult to ask for?
Am I unreasonable in any way?

I really don't know what to say anymore.

But deep in me, my heart is bleeding tears of blood.
And I don't know how long can I hold on.

Thanks for everything you did today, Alfreda.
Thank you.

Screwed up my gpa.
1 point something.
Am pretty emo now.

I guess this means that it's time to stop blogging or msn-ing or all that crap now...
must make use of March Hols to make up for lost time...
So this may be my last post for a long time...

MUST HAVE SELF DISCIPLINE IN MY WORK!!!

The World Upside Down.

"I prefer to see the world in only three colours. Black, white and a single shade of grey. At least I don't waste my time trying to figure out every single colour of grey in between. It's more clear cut."

"Well ironically you seem to be wearing the same colours too. Black jacket, white uniform, and a single shade of grey glasses."

These words shocked me.
At how much my belief is carried out in my attitude to people, my way of handling things, and even how I wear my clothes.

But are they wrong?
Must they be wrong?
Do I need to doubt everyone for the sole reason of self-defence?
Am I too on guard everytime?
Am I too cold?

If you are in my class and happen to read this blog, PLEASE tell me. Seriously. I gotta know what are your responses. 'Cos I think I need to rethink everything I've believed in.

I dream of you every night, walking by my side.
Of how we could be together, walking along the beachside.
How you would laugh at anything I say no matter how lame I am.
Or how you would always give me your assuring look when I'm down.

Sometimes the weather reflects my mood.
Today was a dark heavy storm.
Gusting winds.
Sheet-like rains.
Which perhaps means that I'm in a bad mood due to some idiots in class.

Wished that I could go home with you everyday.
To be at your side.
To talk to you.
But then, we're worlds apart.
But I believe in fate about love.
Just as I have held on to this relationship for so long.

For you, a thousand times over.

For you, a thousand times I'll say your name when I go to bed.

Pray hope that I see you in my dreams.

Perhaps we are destined only to pass each other just like this.
But for you, a thousand times to eternity.

To let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore.

It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy or regret.

Letting go isn't about winning or losing.

It's not about pride or prestige.

And it isn't being obsessed or dwelling on the past.

Letting go isn't about blocking sad memories or thinking sad thoughts.

And it shouldn't leave feelings of emptiness ,sadness, or hurt.

It isn't all about giving in or giving up.

Letting go does not mean that you have lost and are defeated.

To let go is to cherish the memories, overcome them and then move on.

It is also about having an open mind to the future.

Letting go is also about learning and growing from experiences.

And to let go is to be thankful for those experiences.

Experiences that made you laugh, cry and grow.

It's about all that you had, all that you have now and all that you can gain in the future.

Letting go is having the courage to face change, not detesting change, and having the strength and willpower to change.

Letting go is growing up.

Sometimes our hearts can be the most potent remedy to all our troubles.

All it takes is for us to open that door in our hearts and clear a new path.

And then, you can finally be free.

Saw this on Brenda's blog.

Edited a bit of it here and there.

But then, how long do I need for myself to stop being so self-defensive?

How long does it need for me to forget past shadows?

And how long indeed do I need for myself to forgive and forget?

God knows.

I do not.

Perhaps the day when I finally can stop wearing my overcoat in school, then I can finally be free in mind and soul.

Because that overcoat is my armour.

The wall that I want to maintain for the sole purpose of defence.

But then, isn't it like the Berlin Wall, splitting the space between me and the class and the people around me?

Because of that wall, I can't trust anyone fully.

Because of that wall, I treat everyone as a potential threat.

Because of that wall, my heart is easily hurt by people that I considered close to me.

Sigh.

Life is hard.

But well, forgetting is a luxury that we don't know how to use.

Till perhaps the end of time.

What will you do when you know that every move will hurt the person you love?

Funny why I've become so freaking guai.
Woke up at 10 today (WHY DIDN'T I STAY IN BED?!!) and studiously mugged maths until 11 WITHOUT EATING BREAKFAST OR EVEN BRUSHING MY TEETH.
Finished my homework in record time.
The computer then took over for 4 hours more or less.
Smashed the Japs 4 times over in battleship chess.

Been getting fatigued quite a lot these few days.
Sorry 4H if I freaked some of you out for being so pissed and emo for the last 3 hours on Friday.
But I really wasn't feeling very well.
Stupid migraine cocking up.
And to add to it, I can't take paracetamol due to some funny allergy.

WHICH PRETTY MUCH LEAVES ME DEFENSELESS TOWARDS FEVER AND MIGRAINES.

Damn.

School tomorrow.
Gotta sleep early.
And pray hope I don't get sick.
For real.
Since March is my sick season ever since P4.

*Sighs*

You know, sometimes you really should know when to keep your distance from girls you know. Just because you consider yourself more of a girl than a guy does not mean that you aren't still a guy. And it's pretty obvious even to a dumbass that you want to go STEP programme because she is going. HEE-LOOO?? She's taken. Go look for someone else. And don't forget that you are a guy, and that means you don't go around trying to stick to her every time.
Sorry if this pisses anyone off, but being a friend I really can't help but be concerned.

AND STOP CHANGING IN CLASS FOR GOD'S SAKE!