I guess today was supposed to be a good day for myself, but somehow as the hours turn late my mood has been getting more and more irritated and worse.
To tell you the truth all this started because I wanted to leave Insworld.
Not that I hated it there mind you. I like the learning environment there, especially now with all the O-Level ruffians gone for good. I have friends there, and I do have good teachers there too.
However I cannot be blamed of getting"homesick" once in a while, and recently this has been getting worse for me.
I cannot shake the fact that my parents used my university savings to fund my A-Level pursuit here.
The A-level certificate costs even more than my future degree itself!
Seriously!
Even if I were to really believe my parents' repeated assurances that they can resave the money again in the next three years( one year next year and two in the army), I would always feel very bad that all my past experiences have done is to lead them to break the piggy bank in such a spectacular manner.
I can never repay them.
Ever.
Period.
Which is one of the reasons why I want out of Insworld. Because I cannot bear the guilt of the suffering and worries I have brought my parents with such an exorbitant course.
Another reason why I want out, is that I am simply not really used to the international school community. Perhaps I have been in a cocoon of Singaporean-ness for too long, but having classmates who boast loudly about their clubbing at Zirca when they are only barely seventeen, about how they used to smoke cigarettes and weed (some still smoke, but not weed; that's illegal), and most repulsive of all, how they had seventeen female conquests within a year, and even had sex with some of them even, is too much for me to handle. There is only one more Singaporean left other than me, and it seems like the studious kind of student is hard to find in my school now. I don't necessarily like it, but I force myself to bear it. I wish I was back in RV amongst Singaporeans I knew, because culture divides are sometimes extremely unsettling and disturbing for me.
I remember praying a silent prayer to you today hoping that you would allow me a chance to reenter RV next year as a J1. And I remembered thanking you with immense gratitude after you showed me that route to take: doing well in my end-of-term exams and using the results to get back into RV.
However it does not mean my parents share the same sentiments as me.
Especially my mum.
I guess I have badly underestimated how much my mum was hurt during the four years of hell before.
And I thought I was the one with scars left on me to bear.
For my mum, it is ten times worse.
She bridles at every mention of my RV friends in our conversations, incessantly nags at me for trying to find chances to go back and visit my cca, and views with absolute anathema and horror my idealistic views of making a comeback in RV with me reentrance.
But she doesn't know, comprehend or understand my motives behind that hope and that idealism.
I'm just trying to be the best son I can be to my mum while she is still around.
Sorry if that sounded morbid, but trust me, if you can see this, you would have definitely heard the much more horrifying comments my mum made with regards to my future and hers.
Sometimes, ties cannot be just cut when you say so.
Again I remember that during Monday's disciple session with Mickon I mentioned revenge and hatred against many in RV as a major motivation driving me to succeed outside. I remember her rebuking me gently that that was not the right way to do things.
And then I read the book she gave me "How Good Is Good Enough?", and I am struck by the radical thought that perhaps for all my screaming and begging for "an eye for an eye" kind of justice from you to even the score, if you really did that everyone would suffer equally badly, including me, and I would definitely not call that justice or fairness as well!
Then I had to ask myself that question I have always tried to avoid: Would it hurt me to just let things go, forgive all those who hurt me, and just basically live and let live?
And oddly enough, I found that I could do it.
I don't know how, I don't know why. I swear that I have not tried to influence myself to forgive all of them unequivocally, but somehow now when I think back on that question, whatever bloodlust or revenge on my mind is more or less gone. Perhaps gone for good, or merely hidden, waiting for that spark to ignite the burning rage again. But I am more inclined to believe the former, because it is simply so unbelievably changed beyond recognition almost overnight.
So now I have gotten over forgiving those who hurt me in RV, and thus technically I feel that I am ready to reenter RV if given the chance.
But my mum doesn't.
I don't even dare tell her straight in the face the way you showed me to accomplish my wish for fear of angering and upsetting her to the point of absolute madness i.e. nonstop nagging morbid threats and the like.
So now I am stuck with just keeping this a secret from her.
But what if the plan works?
Fine so if the plan fails keeping quiet would only hide it forever from prying eyes.
But if it succeeded, how am I supposed to explain it to my parents?!
Especially my mum?
How would she take it?
Would it be too much?
Am I too selfishly bounded to the past to want to sacrifice my present state to try and relive the past the way it should have been?
Is it just delusion, or is it really all just a part of your plan for me?
I guess this is really making me messed up in my mind.
And yet again I take comfort that I am willing to forgive past grievances and move on because I now know rightly that I walk in your light, and that you will never allow anyone to hurt me and hurt you in the process as well.
Otherwise I could not have decided to forgive almost overnight.
It's totally surreal.
I make this post to you partly as thanks, and partly to ask for more guidance and help from you.
Just as this year was a watershed for me to return to You, I believe it would soon be the same for my mum and my dad.
But only this time you have got to work in them. I really cannot help. Because after all, you are supposed to be superhuman, while I am only mortal.
So save my parents, especially my mum, and turn her heart and mind around the same way you did for me.
Allow my mum to accept my wish to return to RV.
Bless me with good grades in my upcoming exams and a smooth application to return next year.
Keep those with foul and evil intents away from me and my family if your plan succeeds.
And give me my happiness and contentment I should have had for four years of my life.
Because after all, I think I deserve a second chance to start over.
Because after all the trials and tribulations my family has gone through, I believe it is time for some good news.
Your good news.
Thanks for listening. It really helps me to know that someone is seeing this and perhaps working on my wishes or if they are human, praying for me and my family.
Now I think I know what kindness and love can really be.
Amen.